Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
