@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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