My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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