Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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