nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
