so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
