I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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