hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
