I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
