I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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