Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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