Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
