I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
