i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize