My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
