My friends, they love my intelligence
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
