Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You took a bar mat shot.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
