I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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