I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I would ride that face into the sunset
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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