I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
