There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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