I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
