Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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