She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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