Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
