Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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