This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
