Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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