I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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