apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
