morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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