I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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