I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
