In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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