Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize