Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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