i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
