you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just pee around me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
