I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize