I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
