Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
