New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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