When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
