Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize