that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
