Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
