i just wanna soil my oats bro
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
