Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
