his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
