My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
