my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
