I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
