my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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