I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
