Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
