Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
