genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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